News Archives | Lubbock Sucks

Dan Patrick Demands More Jesus in Public Life, Because Mandatory School Chaplains Apparently Weren’t Enough

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 28 Jul 2026 19:50:15 +0000

Just when you thought the State of Texas couldn’t possibly cram any more fundamentalism into our daily lives, Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick has entered the chat. Apparently, forcing public school classrooms to display “In God We Trust” posters, passing laws to post the Ten Commandments, inserting Bible lessons into elementary school curricula, and replacing qualified [...]

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West Texas Criminal Geniuses Transport Two Pounds of Coke, Forget to Attach License Plate

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 28 Jul 2026 19:25:30 +0000

Nothing quite says “high-stakes cartel mastermind” like rolling down South Bryan Avenue in Dawson County with a fortune in narcotics and a total refusal to obey basic DMV requirements. On Saturday, July 25, 44-year-old driver Brandon Scherich and 46-year-old passenger Tyrell James Mesteth were cruising along in a four-door sedan carrying enough blow to fuel [...]

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Flunking the Test, Passing the Vibe Check: Texas Welcomes Conservative College Entrance Exam That Can’t Predict College Success

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 28 Jul 2026 19:13:02 +0000

Texas higher education officials have officially decided that predictive data is wildly overrated. Higher Education Commissioner Wynn Rosser signaled to university leaders that public campuses can immediately start using the conservative-favored Classic Learning Test (CLT) for admissions decisions outside the automatic top-10% rule, with plans to fully cement it into state rules by fall 2028. [...]

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Warning Shots, “Magical” Guns, and Unsolved Murders: Just Another Quiet Week in Hub City

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 28 Jul 2026 18:09:51 +0000

Over on East Auburn Street, 65-year-old Robert Kinney gave us all a masterclass in West Texas conflict resolution after getting woken up in the middle of the night by cars bringing his son home. Naturally, instead of taking a deep breath or rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Kinney grabbed his handgun, stepped outside, [...]

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2 A.M. at the Avenue Q Baymont: Where ‘DLock’ and a Mystery Reflective Weapon Qualify as West Texas Hospitality

lubbock-sucks — Mon, 27 Jul 2026 19:07:58 +0000

Ah, Avenue Q at 1:50 in the morning—truly the crown jewel of Lubbock nightlife. Officers were dispatched to the Baymont Inn and Suites near Mac Davis and Avenue Q for a standard “check subject” call. What they actually found was 60-year-old Arnold Tomlinson lying on the concrete outside a room, suffering from severe injuries that [...]

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Flesh-Eating Screwworms Be Damned: Texas Demands Its Mexican Cattle Back!

lubbock-sucks — Sun, 26 Jul 2026 19:05:16 +0000

Just when you thought living on the High Plains couldn’t get any more glamorous, the federal government has decided to resume importing cattle from Mexico in the middle of an ongoing outbreak of actual flesh-eating parasites. Because honestly, what is a little flesh-eating maggot between friends when there are beef supply chains to satisfy? The [...]

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Texas Threatens to Strip Teacher Pay Raises Unless National Credential Group Scrubs ‘DEI’

lubbock-sucks — Sat, 25 Jul 2026 19:02:38 +0000

Great news, Texas taxpayers! State officials have finally identified the real crisis threatening our schools: highly qualified teachers receiving modest bonuses for helping kids learn. The State Board for Educator Certification voted to demand that the National Board Certification program scrub all mentions of diversity, equity, and inclusion from its training materials by November 2. [...]

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Lubbock City Council Realizes Math Is Hard, Delays Civic Center Vote Until 2027

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 21 Jul 2026 18:55:50 +0000

In a shocking turn of events that surprised absolutely nobody, our visionary leaders on the Lubbock City Council have decided to punt the proposed Civic Center expansion vote from this November to at least 2027. Why the sudden cold feet? Because, as Mayor Mark McBrayer so candidly admitted, the city still has “so much work [...]

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Welcome to Galaxy Stadium: Texas Tech Pawns Football Tradition to a Water-Guzzling Crypto Mine

lubbock-sucks — Sat, 18 Jul 2026 18:52:12 +0000

It’s the end of an era, folks. RIP Jones AT&T Stadium. Welcome to “Galaxy Stadium,” a moniker that sounds less like a Big 12 football Mecca and more like an abandoned laser tag arena out on the Loop. Texas Tech Athletics just sold off the naming rights of our beloved gridiron for $75 million to [...]

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Lake Meredith Infested with Zebra Mussels, Because Lubbock’s Tap Water Wasn’t Crunchy Enough Already

lubbock-sucks — Fri, 17 Jul 2026 18:44:02 +0000

Just when you thought Lubbock tap water couldn’t get any more exotic, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department dropped the news that Lake Meredith is officially “fully infested” with invasive zebra mussels. For those unfamiliar with the geography of our municipal plumbing, Lake Meredith happens to be a key reservoir for the Canadian River Municipal [...]

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Lubbock Law Enforcement Proves No One Escapes Justice (If You’re Willing to Wait 16 Months)

lubbock-sucks — Fri, 17 Jul 2026 18:41:12 +0000

Ah, Lubbock romance. Back in March 2025, a classic Hub City meeting went down near the corner of 34th Street and Avenue Q—specifically inside an unnamed liquor store. According to court documents, 45-year-old Eric Luna struck up a conversation with a woman and invited her back to his secondary residence to drink and hang out. [...]

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Black Gold on a Budget: Permian Basin’s “Ocean’s 14” Plead Guilty to Discount Oil Heist

lubbock-sucks — Fri, 17 Jul 2026 18:38:11 +0000

Leave it to the fine folks in and around the Permian Basin to look at the region’s booming energy industry and think, “You know what? I bet I could steal that.” Six criminal masterminds out of a 14-person ring have officially pleaded guilty to siphoning off tens of thousands of barrels of crude oil. Because [...]

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Nothing Says ‘Pure Integrity’ Like a $275K Campaign Check and a Threatening Letter from Ken Paxton

lubbock-sucks — Fri, 17 Jul 2026 18:02:54 +0000

Ah, summer in Lubbock—where the dust storms clear up just in time for another world-class exhibition of high-stakes college sports hypocrisy. Former quarterback Brendan Sorsby—who got nabbed for blowing at least $90,000 on illegal sports bets, including on his own team’s games—was rightfully declared ineligible by the NCAA. But instead of taking the loss, Texas [...]

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The Texas Miracle: Ken Paxton Campaigns on the ‘Unborn’ While Rural Texans Try Not to Give Birth on Highway 84

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 16 Jul 2026 18:00:49 +0000

Texas Attorney General, walking scandal magnet, and now U.S. Senate hopeful Ken Paxton is out on the campaign trail trying to convince us he’s the ultimate savior of the unborn. This is, after all, a guy whose office literally treats the anniversary of the overturn of Roe v. Wade as an official holiday and who [...]

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He Thought He Was Meeting a Teenager at Clapp Park. He Met the Texas DPS Instead.

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 16 Jul 2026 17:10:14 +0000

Another Tuesday, another Lubbock resident who learned the hard way that the “16-year-old girl” texting him back was, in fact, a fully grown special agent with a badge and a very good memory. Jose Angel Hernandez, 33, was arrested July 14 on one count of Online Solicitation of a Minor after spending his free time [...]

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State Leaders Demand 3% Budget Cut Because Apparently a $24 Billion Surplus Just Isn’t Enough

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 16 Jul 2026 17:06:43 +0000

Our very own local golden boy, House Speaker Dustin Burrows, has teamed up with Governor Greg Abbott and Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick to demand a mandatory 3% budget haircut for state agencies, appellate courts, and public universities. Why? Because according to Abbott, nothing says “putting families first” quite like making sure state services operate under [...]

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Happy Belated Fourth! LPD Finally Notices July 5th Shooting, Offers Pocket Change for Info

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 16 Jul 2026 17:01:44 +0000

Well, folks, it looks like the Lubbock Police Department operates on the same internal clock as a hungover college student after a long weekend. The crack team over at the Major Crimes Unit has finally looked at the calendar, realized it’s mid-July, and decided to ask the public for help regarding a mass shooting that [...]

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Lubbock’s Premier Meth Syndicate Dismantled After Forgetting How Cell Phones Work

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 16 Jul 2026 16:58:25 +0000

The Department of Justice just handed down a combined 143 years of federal prison time to six local entrepreneurs who decided Lubbock and Post were underserved markets for methamphetamine. Leading the pack of these visionaries is Charles Clay Pruitt, who bagged a staggering 40 years, closely followed by Jason Lee Garza—lovingly known to the criminal [...]

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Canada To Texas Livestock: “Yeah, That’s A Hard No, Eh?” Thanks To Our New Flesh-Eating Parasite Friends

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 16 Jul 2026 16:53:46 +0000

Great news, Texas! We’ve officially become the sketchy neighbor that nobody wants to invite over. Canada has immediately banned virtually all animal exports from the Lone Star State, including cattle, horses, pigs, and even bison. If an animal has so much as stepped foot in Texas over the last 21 days, the Mounties are turning [...]

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Math is Hard: Lubbock City Council Shocked to Learn Police Cars and Asphalt Cost Money

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 16 Jul 2026 16:50:10 +0000

Welcome to another thrilling episode of “How is This City Still Functioning?” The Lubbock City Council recently gathered for a budget work session to discover that money doesn’t actually grow on cotton fields. It turns out city revenue is growing at a pathetic 1 percent, which is completely losing the race against “municipal inflation”. City [...]

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Lubbock Roads Are Now Deadlier Than Dallas, But Don’t Worry, We’re Planning to Patrol Less

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 16 Jul 2026 16:45:33 +0000

Look out, Houston, Lubbock is coming for your crown. According to recent TxDOT data, Lubbock County has officially surpassed massive metropolitan areas like Dallas, Travis, and Harris counties in fatal crashes per 100,000 people. Apparently, local motorists have collectively decided that stop signs are merely decorative and speed limits are just a baseline suggestion. Sheriff [...]

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Silicon Prairie or Signs of the Apocalypse? Lubbock Freaks Out Over AI Data Centers

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 16 Jul 2026 16:40:12 +0000

Our visionary city leaders are desperate to turn the Hub City into a tech mecca, but the locals are already pulling out the pitchforks. The City of Lubbock recently launched an online survey and packed more than 500 furious residents into the Civic Center banquet hall for a public meeting to discuss large-scale data centers [...]

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Thanks For Saving Us From A Raise, Ken: How Paxton’s 100-Lawsuit Binge Kept Texas Proud and Poorer

lubbock-sucks — Wed, 15 Jul 2026 17:18:38 +0000

Remember in 2024 when the federal government threatened to force employers to pay overtime to anyone making less than $58,656? It was a terrifying prospect that would have put $1.5 billion into the pockets of millions of low-wage workers. Fortunately, Texas Attorney General and professional legal troll Ken Paxton sprinted to the courts to save [...]

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Welcome to Texas Tech, Where “Systemic” is a Dirty Word and Reality is Optional

lubbock-sucks — Fri, 10 Jul 2026 17:59:00 +0000

Texas Tech’s brand-new Chancellor, Brandon Creighton, has apparently decided that college students are far too fragile to hear about scary concepts like race, gender, or sexual orientation. Naturally, he issued a couple of memos scrubbing these topics from academic programs and undergraduate core courses. Now, two faculty groups are dragging the university system to federal [...]

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West Texas Celebrates Barely Surviving Last Year’s Measles Outbreak By Making It Easier to Skip Vaccines

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 02 Jul 2026 19:14:01 +0000

After the historic 2025 West Texas measles outbreak—which managed to kill two school-age children and turn neighboring Gaines County into a literal viral epicenter—the state has released its vaccination data for the 2025-26 school year. The big news? Kindergarten measles vaccination rates in Texas skyrocketed by a breathtaking, monumental… 0.1%. Yes, we moved from 93.2% [...]

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Groundbreaking Innovation: Lubbock Approves Even More Chicken Fingers and Oil Changes for Q2 2026

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 02 Jul 2026 17:38:34 +0000

The second-quarter commercial permit filings for 2026 are officially in, and to absolutely no one’s surprise, the Hub City is doubling down on its favorite holy trinity: fried poultry, automotive maintenance, and endless orange construction cones. Local bureaucrats have greenlit dozens of new projects, ensuring that our landscape remains a beautiful, uninterrupted vista of strip [...]

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Lubbock Streets Continue to Mirror a Real-Life Mario Kart Track, Minus the Fun

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 02 Jul 2026 17:17:57 +0000

Welcome back to another edition of “Will I Survive My Commute?”, the favorite daily game show of everyone living in the Hub City. This week, our local asphalt warriors really outdid themselves, proving once again that if you have the audacity to walk, ride, or even park your car anywhere near a main thoroughfare, you’re [...]

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Project Caprock is Bringing AI to Abernathy, Because What Our Power Grid Needed Was More Homework

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 02 Jul 2026 17:07:03 +0000

Just what the South Plains needed: more digital infrastructure to power the global supply of AI-generated slop while our actual, physical infrastructure hangs on by a thread. Aligned Data Centers has officially moved forward with “Project Caprock,” a massive $425 million data center campus spanning 313 acres just up the road off FM 54 in [...]

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Happy 250th, America: Lubbock Authorities Desperately Beg Residents Not to Burn the City Down This Saturday

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 02 Jul 2026 17:01:03 +0000

It’s America’s 250th birthday, the Fourth of July falls on a Saturday, and local officials are celebrating with their favorite annual tradition: issuing a completely ignored warning that fireworks are illegal within city limits. The Lubbock Police Department and West Carlisle Fire Department are once again tag-teaming to remind everyone that launching explosives in Lubbock, [...]

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Charles Perry Terrified That Lubbock Students Might Accidentally Read a Book

lubbock-sucks — Wed, 01 Jul 2026 17:20:51 +0000

Our heroic State Senator Charles Perry recently graced a Lubbock ISD board meeting to save our youth from the ultimate threat to West Texas society: paper pages bound together by glue. Perry stormed the trustee meeting to wave around excerpts of a “trash” book he refused to name publicly—because giving credit to the author would [...]

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Big Brother Meets the Sooner State: TxDOT and Oklahoma Team Up to Track Your Drive

lubbock-sucks — Wed, 01 Jul 2026 17:10:40 +0000

In a stunning display of cross-border cooperation that absolutely nobody asked for, the Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) and the Oklahoma Department of Transportation (ODOT) have officially signed a real-time data-sharing agreement. Because if there is one thing Texans traditionally love, it’s giving Oklahoma total visibility into our business. The agencies are hailing this as [...]

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Slaton Man Proves That When Your Dogs Attack a Kid, the Best Move is to Argue with the Cops

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 30 Jun 2026 16:55:33 +0000

Because life in the greater Lubbock metroplex isn’t thrilling enough without neighborhood terrors, we look over to our lovely neighbor Slaton, where a Monday afternoon turned into a total circus. Slaton Police and Animal Control rushed to a home on South 11th Street after two dogs decided a local child looked like a chew toy. [...]

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Shocking News: Someone Got Shot on Avenue Q at 2 AM, Suspect Conveniently Already in Jail

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 30 Jun 2026 16:51:58 +0000

Ah, Avenue Q. Lubbock’s premier destination for pothole navigation, used car lots, and apparently, dodging bullets at two in the morning. In news that surprises absolutely no one who has ever set foot in the Hub City after dark, the Lubbock Police Department has finally pinned a June 13 club shooting on 38-year-old Cesar Ledezma. [...]

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Victory! Lubbock Chamber of Commerce Saves America From the Absolute Horror of Paying Truck Drivers Fair Wages

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 30 Jun 2026 16:45:50 +0000

A federal judge right here in the Hub City has officially saved the nation from the crushing tyranny of… making sure blue-collar workers get paid properly. In a stunning victory for people who love cheap labor, a Lubbock court permanently killed a Biden-era update to the 1931 Davis-Bacon Act. The regulations were meant to ensure [...]

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Paramount+ to Showcase Texas Tech’s ‘Relentless Pursuit of Excellence’ (And Impressive Gambling Scandals)

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 30 Jun 2026 15:50:00 +0000

Lubbock is finally getting the Hollywood treatment it so richly deserves. Paramount+ announced they’ve greenlit a four-episode docuseries chronicling the Texas Tech football team’s “transformative” offseason, set to premiere right before the Fall 2026 season kicks off. Cameras have been rolling since January, capturing all the blood, sweat, and public relations panic that defines Red [...]

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New Deal, Same Old Hypocrisy: Former Local Preacher Trades the Pulpit for a Mugshot

lubbock-sucks — Mon, 29 Jun 2026 15:42:57 +0000

Welcome back to another depressing episode of “Rules for Thee but Not for Me,” West Texas edition. Today’s holy contestant is Brian Townsend, a 48-year-old former preacher who apparently thought his pastoral duties at New Deal First Baptist Church and the beautifully ironic “Come As You Are Fellowship” included things that are highly illegal. Townsend [...]

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Middle School GTA: 13-Year-Old Leads Lubbock Police on High-Speed Loop 289 Chase

lubbock-sucks — Mon, 29 Jun 2026 15:39:23 +0000

Sunday afternoons in Lubbock are usually reserved for fighting church traffic or staring blankly at a dusty horizon. But this past Sunday, a couple of enterprising local youths decided to spice up the 2:00 p.m. slump by recreating Grand Theft Auto near Avenue X and 40th Street. According to the Lubbock Police Department, an officer [...]

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District 4 Runoff: Choose Between Infinite Concrete Sprawl and a Political Relic Who Sued His Way onto the Ballot

lubbock-sucks — Mon, 29 Jun 2026 15:33:15 +0000

Just when you thought you could go a whole month without thinking about local politics, the Lubbock City Council District 4 special election has gifted us a runoff. The seat was left vacant after Braden Rose decided he’d rather spend time with his family than sit through another grueling council meeting, triggering an election that [...]

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LISD Solves Massive Deficit with Corporate Buzzwords and a Whole 2% Teacher Raise

lubbock-sucks — Sun, 28 Jun 2026 15:34:40 +0000

Our visionary leaders at the Lubbock ISD Board of Trustees met on June 25 to approve a brand new $260 million budget that is, in classic government fashion, staring down a massive, gaping deficit. But don’t panic, folks! LISD CFO Dr. Dewayne Wilkins cleared things right up by explaining that this financial dumpster fire didn’t [...]

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Masterclass in Stealth: Lubbock Man Uses Neon Yellow PT Cruiser as Beer Heist Getaway Car

lubbock-sucks — Sat, 27 Jun 2026 14:57:13 +0000

Another day, another masterpiece of criminal mastermind behavior in the Hub City. This week’s standard-bearer for local innovation is 38-year-old Jerry Smith, who decided that actually paying for two cases of beer at a convenience store near Interstate 27 and 34th Street was purely optional. When a store employee had the absolute audacity to follow [...]

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Texas Burns $8.4 Million Fixing Holy Textbooks That Are Literally Falling Apart, Because Fiscal Responsibility Is For Losers

lubbock-sucks — Fri, 26 Jun 2026 18:05:08 +0000

God bless the Lone Star State, where our righteous state leaders love to lecture local school districts about “reckless spending” and poor planning while casually setting $8.4 million of our taxpayer dollars on fire. The Texas Education Agency successfully developed a new elementary curriculum called “Bluebonnet Learning” that managed to rack up a whopping 4,200 [...]

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Great News, Lubbock: Flesh-Eating Maggots Are Devouring Texas Cattle, and the Feds Are Fresh Out of Horny Flies

lubbock-sucks — Wed, 24 Jun 2026 15:26:13 +0000

The New World screwworm is officially in Texas, giving West Texas ranchers a horrifying new reason to lose sleep. The flesh-eating parasite made its grand debut in a South Texas calf in early June, putting the state’s massive livestock industry in absolute jeopardy. But don’t look to Washington or Austin for a quick fix. USDA [...]

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NFL Tells Permanently Banned Texas Tech QB Brendan Sorsby That Even They Have Standards

lubbock-sucks — Wed, 24 Jun 2026 15:18:59 +0000

Ah, Texas Tech football—where our recruitment strategy apparently involves scouring the NCAA’s disciplinary waste bin for anyone with a pulse and a strong arm. Our latest transient savior, quarterback Brendan Sorsby, just learned a valuable lesson in accountability. The NFL has officially informed the 22-year-old that they will not be holding a special supplemental draft [...]

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Data Centers Are Coming to Suck Lubbock Dry, But Hey, At Least We Get a Town Hall Meeting!

lubbock-sucks — Wed, 24 Jun 2026 14:53:20 +0000

Well, look who wants to move to the Hub City and drink all our water. Tech conglomerates are suddenly eyeing Lubbock like a freshman eyes a 2:00 a.m. Whataburger run, and the city is scrambling. After a data center town hall in May completely overflowed the press box club level at Jones AT&T Stadium, Mayor [...]

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Texas Healthcare: Where You Have to Be ‘Damned Sure’ You’re Dying Before Anyone Hands You a Pill

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 23 Jun 2026 15:02:36 +0000

Down here in West Texas, we’re used to things being completely backward, but the absolute geniuses running this state have officially exported our signature brand of logic to the rest of Texas. Take the case of Lynn Callaway, an Austin-area woman who had the audacity to expect actual medical treatment while experiencing a agonizing, infected [...]

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Texas Board of Education Proves Once Again That Reality Is Merely A Suggestion

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 23 Jun 2026 14:55:52 +0000

The Texas State Board of Education just gave preliminary approval to a brand-new curriculum guaranteed to make our public schools the laughingstock of the modern world. Under the guise of “social studies and reading,” the board is pushing a new list that mandates Bible stories for children as young as six. Because nothing says “ready [...]

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Tech-Bro Meltdowns and Nuclear AI: Inside the Billion-Dollar Playground on Tech Land

lubbock-sucks — Sat, 20 Jun 2026 14:43:00 +0000

Welcome to West Texas, where we might not have a reliable municipal power grid, but we are apparently building a 5,000-acre, nuclear-powered mega-data center on Texas Tech land to feed the AI overlords. Project Matador is designed to generate up to 17 gigawatts of power—enough for 12 million homes—but instead of helping humans survive the [...]

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Lubbock Tackles the Complex Legacy of Juneteenth the Only Way It Knows How: With an Ice Cream Eating Contest

lubbock-sucks — Fri, 19 Jun 2026 13:29:31 +0000

Juneteenth is upon us once again, commemorating June 19, 1865, when Union General Gordon Granger rolled into Galveston to inform 250,000 enslaved Texans that they were legally free—a mere two and a half years after the Emancipation Proclamation was signed. Naturally, Texas took its sweet time processing the paperwork. Flash forward to 2026, and Lubbock [...]

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Desperate for Cash, Shallowater ISD Will Let Outside Kids Transfer In—Assuming They Pass the “Shallowater Way” Vibe Check

lubbock-sucks — Fri, 19 Jun 2026 13:24:24 +0000

Well, well, well. Look who comes crawling back to the open market. For the first time in over a decade, Shallowater ISD is graciously opening its golden gates to out-of-district transfer students. Why the sudden burst of inclusivity? It certainly isn’t out of the goodness of their hearts. The district lost more than 60 students [...]

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Lubbock’s Finest Hour: Paying a Quarterback Not to Play Football and Calling it “Integrity”

lubbock-sucks — Fri, 19 Jun 2026 13:09:33 +0000

Our beloved Texas Tech Board of Regents Chairman, Cody Campbell, recently sat down for a chat with EverythingLubbock.com to explain how beautifully the university handled the Brendan Sorsby gambling circus. In case you missed this multi-million-dollar soap opera, Sorsby—the transfer quarterback who managed to achieve legendary status in Lubbock without ever taking a single snap [...]

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