Police Archives | Lubbock Sucks

Happy Belated Fourth! LPD Finally Notices July 5th Shooting, Offers Pocket Change for Info

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 16 Jul 2026 17:01:44 +0000

Well, folks, it looks like the Lubbock Police Department operates on the same internal clock as a hungover college student after a long weekend. The crack team over at the Major Crimes Unit has finally looked at the calendar, realized it’s mid-July, and decided to ask the public for help regarding a mass shooting that [...]

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Math is Hard: Lubbock City Council Shocked to Learn Police Cars and Asphalt Cost Money

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 16 Jul 2026 16:50:10 +0000

Welcome to another thrilling episode of “How is This City Still Functioning?” The Lubbock City Council recently gathered for a budget work session to discover that money doesn’t actually grow on cotton fields. It turns out city revenue is growing at a pathetic 1 percent, which is completely losing the race against “municipal inflation”. City [...]

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Lubbock Roads Are Now Deadlier Than Dallas, But Don’t Worry, We’re Planning to Patrol Less

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 16 Jul 2026 16:45:33 +0000

Look out, Houston, Lubbock is coming for your crown. According to recent TxDOT data, Lubbock County has officially surpassed massive metropolitan areas like Dallas, Travis, and Harris counties in fatal crashes per 100,000 people. Apparently, local motorists have collectively decided that stop signs are merely decorative and speed limits are just a baseline suggestion. Sheriff [...]

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Happy 250th, America: Lubbock Authorities Desperately Beg Residents Not to Burn the City Down This Saturday

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 02 Jul 2026 17:01:03 +0000

It’s America’s 250th birthday, the Fourth of July falls on a Saturday, and local officials are celebrating with their favorite annual tradition: issuing a completely ignored warning that fireworks are illegal within city limits. The Lubbock Police Department and West Carlisle Fire Department are once again tag-teaming to remind everyone that launching explosives in Lubbock, [...]

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Big Brother Meets the Sooner State: TxDOT and Oklahoma Team Up to Track Your Drive

lubbock-sucks — Wed, 01 Jul 2026 17:10:40 +0000

In a stunning display of cross-border cooperation that absolutely nobody asked for, the Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) and the Oklahoma Department of Transportation (ODOT) have officially signed a real-time data-sharing agreement. Because if there is one thing Texans traditionally love, it’s giving Oklahoma total visibility into our business. The agencies are hailing this as [...]

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Hub City Grand Theft Auto: Lubbock Drivers Up the Ante with Two Police Chases in One Week

lubbock-sucks — Sun, 14 Jun 2026 12:13:49 +0000

Because navigating regular construction zones and dodging red-light runners isn’t thrilling enough for Hub City residents, local drivers have apparently decided to turn our flat, dusty streets into an amateur stunt driving course. This week, Lubbock was treated to not one, but two separate police pursuits, proving that while our city may lack topography, entertainment [...]

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Lubbock Boldly Tackles Five Years of Skyrocketing Child Abuse with a Mighty Six-Person Task Force

lubbock-sucks — Wed, 10 Jun 2026 19:12:18 +0000

In a stunning display of lightning-fast government efficiency, our Lubbock County Commissioners unanimously voted to approve a brand-new law enforcement task force to address crimes against children. Why the sudden urgency? Oh, just because local crimes against kids aged 10 and under have quietly spiked by a whopping 25 percent over the last five years, [...]

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LPD’s Innovative New De-Escalation Tactic: Hitting the Suspect with a Cruiser

lubbock-sucks — Sun, 07 Jun 2026 14:33:31 +0000

Welcome to Lubbock, where the only thing more dangerous than wandering around drunk on an access road at 5 a.m. is the police response. Early Saturday morning, out near the Preston Smith airport, 25-year-old Adonis Porter was reportedly intoxicated and annoying the employees of a local business. Doing exactly what you’re supposed to do, the [...]

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It Takes a Village: Three Agencies and a Whole Hour to Stop One Guy on Clovis Road

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 28 May 2026 19:06:08 +0000

Wednesday morning rush hour in Lubbock is already a soul-crushing experience, but 38-year-old Jerry Marquez decided to spice things up by turning his morning commute into a live-action Grand Theft Auto mission. Around 9:00 a.m., the Lubbock Police Department’s “Crime Suppression Unit” tried to pull Marquez over in the 1900 block of Clovis Road. Evidently, [...]

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Lubbock PD’s Guide to Crime Fighting: Ignore the Chain-Smoking Serial Rapist, Arrest the Innocent Asthmatic

lubbock-sucks — Mon, 25 May 2026 13:59:46 +0000

Back in 1985, a serial rapist was terrorizing the Texas Tech campus. According to survivors, the predator was a chain-smoker who threatened them with a knife. Naturally, Lubbock’s finest locked their sights on Timothy Cole—a decorated Army veteran, Texas Tech student, and severe asthmatic who didn’t smoke. Why? Because an undercover cop saw him offer [...]

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West Texas Chivalry: Suspect Pauses High-Speed Police Chase To Politey Drop Off Passenger Before Fatal Shootout

lubbock-sucks — Mon, 25 May 2026 13:57:01 +0000

Ah, Sunday afternoon on the South Plains. Some people go to church, some hit the local buffet, and others decide that a routine traffic stop in downtown Floydada is the perfect excuse to launch a multi-county police chase through the scenic, entirely flat nothingness of West Texas. Because why just sign a speeding ticket when [...]

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Hub City Driving: Where You Can Manage a Fatal Wreck on a Completely Empty Road

lubbock-sucks — Sat, 23 May 2026 15:16:27 +0000

Leave it to Lubbock to prove that you don’t even need other cars on the road to cause a catastrophe. Around 4:15 a.m. last Friday, May 22, while normal cities were sleeping, the Texas Tech Police Department and the Lubbock PD Major Crash Investigation Unit were dragged out to the 1300 block of Texas Tech [...]

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Operation Hub City Shield: Feds Descend on Lubbock to Remind Us We’re Safe (While Listing a Million Crimes)

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 21 May 2026 21:24:11 +0000

Well, look who finally put down the donuts and held a press conference. Turns out our scanner-traffic guess of “Operation Tejas” was wrong, because the feds have officially branded their latest summer PR push “Operation Hub City Shield”—or “Operation Red Car,” depending on which bureaucrat you ask. U.S. Attorney Ryan Raybould stood shoulder-to-shoulder with a [...]

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Lubbock Police Level Up: Investigate A Suspicious Death, But Make Sure To Bust The Husband For Traffic Tickets First

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 21 May 2026 21:17:31 +0000

In a tragic story that quickly spiraled into a masterclass of Hub City bizarre, 40-year-old Jessica Baker was found dead in her Central Lubbock home on Sunday. Her husband, Khadafi “Michael” Baker, is publicly grieving the loss of his wife and his “peace”—which, according to his own poetry, was her uncanny ability to act as [...]

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Lubbock’s Finest Introduce Hot New Trend: Creative Birth Certificate Forgery

lubbock-sucks — Wed, 20 May 2026 13:02:51 +0000

Leave it to the Hub City to turn a basic custody dispute into a high-stakes, first-responder crossover episode of Maury. Meet April Mora, a 38-year-old Lubbock police officer, and Jonathan Forkner, a 39-year-old Lubbock firefighter. This dynamic public-service duo is currently enjoying some forced time off after being arrested by the Lubbock Metropolitan Special Crimes [...]

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Lubbock Police Officer Reminds Us That Driving Here is a Full-Contact Sport

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 19 May 2026 13:58:47 +0000

Ah, Monday afternoon in the Hub City. The sun is shining, the dust is blowing, and our local law enforcement is out there making sure the streets remain a chaotic free-for-all. Just after 1:30 p.m. yesterday, a Lubbock Police Department officer decided to liven things up at the intersection of 19th Street and Frankford Avenue [...]

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Lubbock Criminal Mastermind Pioneers New Escape Tactic: Running Himself Over

lubbock-sucks — Mon, 18 May 2026 18:47:21 +0000

Just when you think the Hub City has peaked in terms of local driving talent, a Monday morning commute reminds us that the bar can always go lower. Around 4:30 a.m. today, Lubbock Police attempted a routine traffic stop near 28th Street and Avenue P. Instead of pulling over like a functioning member of society, [...]

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Lubbock Teen Completes 19th Street Demo Derby Before Getting A Learner’s Permit

lubbock-sucks — Mon, 18 May 2026 18:44:01 +0000

Sunday afternoons in Lubbock are usually reserved for post-church traffic jams or staring blankly at the dust blowing across the Loop. But yesterday, one enterprising 14-year-old decided to spice things up by taking a stolen sedan for a casual joyride around 34th Street and University Avenue. When Lubbock Police spotted him at 2:13 p.m. and [...]

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LPD Chief on SB4: We’re Not Doing Anything Different, We’re Just More Confused Now

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 12 May 2026 14:54:07 +0000

Texas has officially decided that every local cop should moonlight as a junior Border Patrol agent, but Lubbock Police Chief Seth Herman isn’t exactly rushing to buy his officers olive-drab uniforms. SB4, the law that turns illegal entry into a state crime, is technically set to go into effect on May 15. However, Herman basically [...]

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The Lubbock “Civil” Breakup: Where ‘Getting Your Stuff Back’ Includes a Side of Lead

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 12 May 2026 14:42:13 +0000

Ah, Sunday in the Hub City. While most of us were arguing over the last basket of rolls at Texas Roadhouse, the fine folks over on 38th Street were busy turning a routine property retrieval into a scene from COPS. Because in Lubbock, you don’t just move out of a house—you survive it. Let’s talk [...]

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Research Boulevard Man Discovers One Easy Trick to Summon a Small Army

lubbock-sucks — Mon, 11 May 2026 18:44:14 +0000

Because nothing says “Saturday Night in the Hub City” quite like a multi-agency standoff in a part of town primarily known for dirt and industrial sheds. Around 8:00 p.m. this past Saturday, the Lubbock County Sheriff’s Office decided to liven up the 5500 block of Research Boulevard after a “dispute” turned into a tactical fashion [...]

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To Protect, To Serve, and To Re-Initiate High-Speed Chases Through Residential Neighborhoods

lubbock-sucks — Fri, 08 May 2026 15:53:20 +0000

Only in the Hub City could a routine 11:30 a.m. traffic stop at 34th and Frankford escalate into a full-blown Fast & Furious audition. 65-year-old Gene Davis decided he wasn’t in the mood for a citation and “aggressively sped away,” because nothing says “I have a clean record” like drag racing the cops through the [...]

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Routine Lubbock Traffic Stop Successfully Escalates Into Cross-County Gun Battle

lubbock-sucks — Wed, 06 May 2026 20:43:59 +0000

Around 11:35 p.m. on Tuesday night, a Lubbock police officer attempted what should have been a completely mundane traffic stop. But because this is the Hub City—where yielding is a foreign concept and traffic laws are treated as polite suggestions—the driver decided that pulling over was simply out of the question. Instead, they slammed on [...]

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LPD Proves Even Flashing Lights Can’t Protect You From Lubbock Traffic

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 05 May 2026 17:50:48 +0000

It’s a beautiful Tuesday morning in the Hub City, which means it’s the perfect time for everyone to completely forget how basic road infrastructure functions. Right on cue around 9:30 a.m., a Lubbock Police officer and a local motorist decided to have a high-stakes meeting of the minds—and bumpers—at the intersection of I-27 and Erskine [...]

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The Frankford 500: Four Genius Minds Meet a Light Pole at 114th Street

lubbock-sucks — Sun, 03 May 2026 12:44:20 +0000

Nothing says “Saturday night in the Hub City” like thinking you can outpace the law on a street that is basically one long, flat line to nowhere. Around 12:20 a.m., some local visionary decided that “reckless driving” near 82nd and Frankford wasn’t a prestigious enough charge. When an officer tried to pull them over, the [...]

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Lubbock: Providing High-Quality Firearms to Mexican Cartels One Unlocked F-150 at a Time

lubbock-sucks — Fri, 01 May 2026 14:27:47 +0000

Chief Seth Herman has officially released the Lubbock Police Department’s 2025 annual report, and the news is exactly what you’d expect from the Hub City. Apparently, our local youth have traded in 4-H projects and TikTok dances for “prolific” gang violence. According to Herman, juvenile crime is skyrocketing because kids these days just don’t understand [...]

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LPD Officially Joins the Border Patrol (Despite Being a Six-Hour Drive from the Border)

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 30 Apr 2026 21:41:13 +0000

SB4 is back from its brief legal nap, and our favorite local lawmakers—State Rep. Carl Tepper and State Senator Charles Perry—couldn’t be happier. The law finally gives Lubbock police the power to arrest people for “illegal entry.” Because if there’s one thing we’re known for here in the Hub City, it’s our bustling international coastline [...]

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LPD Solves Crime Forever (Just in Time for the State Troopers to Take the Credit)

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 30 Apr 2026 15:26:19 +0000

According to the Lubbock Police Department’s 2025 annual report, our fair city is officially becoming a utopia. Chief Seth Herman announced that “Part 1” crimes—the fun ones like murder, robbery, and motor vehicle theft—have dropped by 12%. Apparently, the force has been “beating the bushes” looking for bad guys, which is a lovely, rustic image [...]

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Hub City’s Newest Celebrity: Man Faces 20 Years for the Ultimate GTA Lubbock Speedrun

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 30 Apr 2026 15:19:38 +0000

Keith Kalka, a 59-year-old who is currently sporting the most enthusiastic mugshot in the history of the Lubbock County Jail, finally pleaded guilty this week for his January 2024 performance art piece. In a move that truly captures the intellectual spirit of the South Plains, Keith decided the best way to achieve “fame” was to [...]

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Lubbock’s New Favorite Weekend Pastime: Falling Out of Moving Vehicles

lubbock-sucks — Mon, 27 Apr 2026 17:27:49 +0000

Well, it was fun while it lasted. Now that the Texas DPS “surge” has apparently packed up and headed back home—presumably because they ran out of ticket paper or realized Lubbock is beyond saving—the Hub City has wasted no time returning to its natural state: a high-stakes, low-IQ demolition derby. Without a state trooper on [...]

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Tuesday Night Fever: Local Legend Tries (and Fails) to Outrun the State’s Finest

lubbock-sucks — Wed, 22 Apr 2026 12:51:45 +0000

Nothing says “Tuesday in the Hub City” like a casual high-speed chase through the scenic industrial vistas of North Lubbock. Around 8:30 p.m., while most of us were contemplating which fast-food drive-thru had the shortest line, 21-year-old Anthony Carlos De Le Cerda decided to spice things up by turning a routine traffic stop at North [...]

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The King is Coming, so the Cavalry is Here to Make Sure You Don’t Die Before the Encore

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 21 Apr 2026 15:57:27 +0000

Because apparently, Lubbock drivers are so collectively incapable of navigating a paved road without causing a catastrophe, the Texas Department of Public Safety has launched a covert “surge” operation. Dubbed “Operation Tejas”—which sounds like a Steven Seagal movie that went straight to DVD—this initiative involves busing in troopers to babysit our local officers (why do [...]

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Local GTA Enthusiast Trades 120 MPH Thrills for 15 Years of Federal Boredom

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 21 Apr 2026 15:17:14 +0000

Welcome to Lubbock, where the wind blows at 50 mph and our criminals drive at 120. Jeremiah Daniel Rossette, a 29-year-old who apparently mistook Highway 84 for a closed course in Need for Speed, just entered a federal guilty plea for a January 2025 carjacking that was essentially a one-man parade of bad decisions. The [...]

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Smith Unit Guard Takes a “Career Research” Trip to the Other Side of the Bars

lubbock-sucks — Fri, 17 Apr 2026 13:37:38 +0000

In today’s episode of Lubbock’s Best and Brightest, we meet 19-year-old Jo’Brian Liendo. Jo’Brian was a correctional officer at the Smith Unit in Lamesa, but apparently, he felt his job performance was suffering because he lacked “lived experience.” To fix this, he headed over to the 7200 block of Avenue S last Sunday to see [...]

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West Texas Justice: Where It Only Takes 30 Years and Three Different Crime Scenes to Almost Get a Conviction

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 16 Apr 2026 18:24:12 +0000

It’s been eight years since 20-year-old Jeannie Quinn was found hanging in the Abilene woods with “hard wire” twisted around her neck and her hands bound. Because nothing says “natural causes” or “tragic accident” quite like being gift-wrapped with utility wire in a thicket. Yet, here we are in 2026, and the legal system in [...]

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Texas Tech Police Master the Art of the Shrug After F-150 Claims Another Victim

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 16 Apr 2026 14:41:15 +0000

In a city where the “state flower” is a crumpled Ford F-150 bumper, Lubbock has once again proven that the only thing more dangerous than our intersections is the bureaucracy tasked with patrolling them. Jordyn Dabelstein, a 22-year-old student with the audacity to actually stop at a red light on Texas Tech Parkway, was rear-ended [...]

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LPD Cuts Out the Middleman: Suicidal Subject Assisted Directly to Grave Site

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 14 Apr 2026 13:19:48 +0000

Only in the Hub City would a cry for help turn into a permanent change of address before the 10 o’clock news. Around 8:30 Monday night, Lubbock’s finest responded to a call about a “suicidal subject” at the City of Lubbock Cemetery. You have to hand it to the individual—they really nailed the location scouting [...]

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The Hub City Information Blackout: Texas Tech Police Master the Art of Saying Absolutely Nothing

lubbock-sucks — Fri, 10 Apr 2026 18:01:29 +0000

Welcome to Lubbock, where the only thing moving slower than the traffic on Indiana Avenue is the paperwork for a fatal accident. Jordyn Dabelstein, a 22-year-old nursing student, was sitting at a red light at the Texas Tech Parkway—minding her own business and probably thinking about clinicals—when a truck decided that brakes were merely a [...]

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LPD Reminds You That Getting Hit by a Car Is Actually a “You” Problem

lubbock-sucks — Wed, 08 Apr 2026 21:45:06 +0000

Lubbock has officially hit a new milestone in “efficiency” this week, managing to clock two pedestrian fatalities in just 48 hours. While most cities might look at those numbers and wonder if maybe, just maybe, our six-lane stroads are a bit of a death trap, the Lubbock Police Department is here to remind us that [...]

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The Hub City’s Favorite Game: Jurisdictional Hot Potato (feat. A 3/4-Ton Truck)

lubbock-sucks — Wed, 08 Apr 2026 21:27:07 +0000

Welcome to Lubbock, where the only thing flatter than the landscape is the police department’s transparency. We’ve got another tragic “oopsie” on our hands, this time at the corner of Texas Tech Parkway and Indiana Avenue. On Saturday night, Jordyn Dabelstein—a 22-year-old nursing student who actually had a promising future elsewhere—was sitting at a red [...]

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LPD Motorcycle Officers Turn ‘No’ Into ‘Go,’ Successfully Total Bikes After Ignoring Orders

lubbock-sucks — Wed, 01 Apr 2026 21:11:45 +0000

Our latest local hero, 22-year-old Charles Sykes, decided the West Loop was his personal Autobahn on Wednesday afternoon. When a motorcycle officer tried to pull him over for speeding—a crime usually ignored by everyone else on the Loop doing 85 in a RAM 1500—Sykes did what any rational Lubbockite with outstanding warrants does: he turned [...]

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Pot of Gold or Pit of Despair? Law Enforcement Gets Punny with “Operation Four-Leaf Felony”

lubbock-sucks — Tue, 31 Mar 2026 19:41:22 +0000

In a city where the most exciting thing that usually happens is a new Raising Cane’s opening or a dust storm turning the sky the color of a rusted Buick, our local law enforcement decided to get festive. On March 26, the Lubbock Police Department teamed up with—deep breath—the FBI, Homeland Security, DPS, the Sheriff’s [...]

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Lubbock’s Finest Turn 19th and University into a High-Stakes Game of Bumper Cars

lubbock-sucks — Sun, 29 Mar 2026 14:21:03 +0000

It’s Friday night in the Hub City, and while most of us were busy avoiding the construction on Loop 289 or questioning our life choices at a Broadway bar, one Texas DPS trooper decided to turn the intersection of 19th and University into a live-action remake of Speed. Because nothing screams “protect and serve” quite [...]

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Who Let the Dogs Out? The Lubbock Police Department, Apparently

lubbock-sucks — Wed, 25 Mar 2026 18:51:37 +0000

Back in April 2025, while the rest of us were worrying about the rising price of Allsup’s burritos or whether the wind would finally blow us into New Mexico, the Lubbock Police Department was busy losing its most expensive equipment. A highly trained K-9 officer decided his handler’s backyard in the 108th Street area was [...]

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Welcome to the World! Now Here’s Your Speeding Ticket and a View of the Slide Road Overpass

lubbock-sucks — Fri, 20 Mar 2026 18:21:23 +0000

In a city where the most exciting thing to happen on a Friday morning is usually a fender-bender at a Chick-fil-A drive-thru, one local couple decided to spice things up by turning the Marsha Sharp Freeway into a makeshift maternity ward. At 8:44 a.m., Lubbock Police thought they had a high-speed pursuit on their hands. [...]

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Early Bird Special: Local Speedster Turns Utility Pole into Abstract Art at 3 A.M.

lubbock-sucks — Mon, 16 Mar 2026 18:21:39 +0000

Lubbock’s 3:00 a.m. nightlife is usually limited to the drive-thru line at Raising Cane’s or people questioning their life choices at a 7-Eleven. But early Monday morning, Berardo Pauda Jr. III—who apparently carries enough Roman numerals to be a minor European royal—decided to spice things up by turning Avenue L into his own personal drag [...]

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The Lubbock Commute: A Delightful Mix of Top Gun Fantasies and Total Invisibility

lubbock-sucks — Wed, 11 Mar 2026 13:16:27 +0000

Leave it to the Hub City to turn a simple Sunday afternoon drive into a high-stakes episode of COPS: Sky Police. Our local heroes at the LPD teamed up with DPS to launch a “proactive operation,” which is law-enforcement speak for “we used our helicopter to watch you people behave like idiots from a safe [...]

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Lubbock’s Weekend Demolition Derby: Because Who Needs Stop Signs or Physics Anyway?

lubbock-sucks — Mon, 09 Mar 2026 16:16:32 +0000

Welcome back to another edition of Lubbock Sucks, the only place that tracks our city’s transition from “Hub City” to “High-Speed Collision Capital of the South Plains.” This past weekend, Lubbock drivers decided that staying between the lines was far too mainstream, opting instead for a city-wide game of bumper cars with actual human lives. [...]

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El Paso’s $1.2 Billion Death Trap is the New ‘Gold Standard’ for Texas Hospitality

lubbock-sucks — Thu, 26 Feb 2026 16:03:02 +0000

Listen, I know we usually spend our time complaining about the soul-crushing dust storms and the fact that Lubbock’s only cultural landmark is a Buddy Holly statue that looks like it’s perpetually judging your life choices. But let’s take a look at our neighbors in El Paso, where the federal government has spent $1.2 billion [...]

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The LISD Friday Special: Bomb Threats, Ghost Gunmen, and the 2,000-Student Parking Lot Party

lubbock-sucks — Fri, 20 Feb 2026 18:15:07 +0000

Happy Friday, Lubbock! While you were likely daydreaming about which Mexican food establishment would host your inevitable sodium overdose this evening, Lubbock High School decided to pivot into a high-stakes action movie—minus the budget or a coherent plot. An “unknown subject” (local speak for “someone who didn’t study for their Physics mid-term”) called the police [...]

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