Just when you thought the race for Texas Comptroller—traditionally the most boring job involving spreadsheets and beige suits—couldn’t get any weirder, Don Huffines decided to hold my Shiner. Our favorite former state senator and current “transparency” crusader has been caught holding the keys to Jeffrey Epstein’s infamous Zorro Ranch in New Mexico. Because nothing says “I’m ready to manage the 8th largest economy in the world” like quietly funneling cash into a property synonymous with international sex trafficking through a generic LLC.
According to reports, the Huffines family picked up the 14-figure estate in 2023. They kept it so “transparent” that the public didn’t find out until they tried to Karen their way into a lower tax bill by arguing the property’s “notoriety” made it a real fixer-upper. Huffines’ camp claims the purchase helped the victims, while Epstein’s estate lawyers say the money went to administrative costs and creditors. I guess in the billionaire world, “helping victims” is synonymous with “paying my legal fees and buying a nice mountain view.”
While Huffines’ campaign flyers scream about exposing government corruption, his critics are pointing out a tiny, microscopic contradiction: he’s running as a God-fearing Christian conservative while owning the very dirt where some of the most “reprobate” acts in modern history allegedly occurred. Instead of inviting the FBI to bring the cadaver dogs or bulldozing the place into a memorial, the Huffines family apparently decided the best move was to change the road name and argue with the tax assessor.
The primary is next week, and Huffines is still leading the pack. It turns out that in Texas politics, “buying a pedophile’s desert lair” is just a savvy real estate play that requires a little bit of “bold leadership.” If he wins, at least we know he’s got experience managing assets that everyone else is terrified to touch.
If he can negotiate a tax break on a ranch where the FBI is literally looking for bodies, just imagine what he can do for your property taxes in Lubbock!
https://www.texastribune.org/2026/02/13/don-huffines-jeffrey-epstein-ranch-new-mexico-texas/