Because Tuesday afternoons in Lubbock aren’t depressing enough, 29-year-old Judah Hew decided to spice up the 2:00 p.m. grocery rush at the North University Amigos by turning the women’s restroom into a crime scene. In a move that really highlights the high-class etiquette we’ve come to expect around here, Hew allegedly started his encounter by asking his victim for toilet paper before crawling under the stall door like a meth-addled Spider-Man.
Once inside, Hew reportedly took the victim’s phone and committed the assault before casually pulling up his pants and strolling out. When the cops caught up with him, Hew offered the quintessential “Lubbock Logic” defense: he claimed he thought the stranger in the stall was his girlfriend. Because nothing says “I love you, honey” like crawling under a public bathroom door and demanding silence while you’re allegedly high on “illegal narcotics.”
Fortunately, Lubbock’s local vigilante track team was on standby. A group of Good Samaritans chased Hew blocks away to Baylor Street, where they pinned him to the concrete. When the Lubbock Police Department finally arrived, they noted the crowd seemed interested in “possibly assaulting” him—which is the polite, legal way of saying they were about five seconds away from giving him a West Texas tune-up before the handcuffs could click.
The United Family, ever the masters of the corporate “Thoughts and Prayers” template, assured everyone that guest safety is their “top priority.” It’s a comforting sentiment, really, assuming your definition of “top priority” includes waiting for a violent felony to occur before deciding to “increase security measures.” Hew is currently sitting in the Lubbock County Detention Center on a $115,000 bond, which is roughly the price of a three-bedroom house in a neighborhood where you don’t have to worry about stall-crawlers.
If safety is truly the “top priority,” does that mean we’re finally getting bathroom stall doors that reach the floor, or is that just not in the budget between the fifth rebranding of Market Street and the construction of the city’s 400th car wash?
https://www.kcbd.com/2026/04/08/good-samaritans-nab-sexual-assault-suspect-who-ran-store/
