Lubbock is currently in the middle of a collective nervous breakdown because King George is descending upon Jones AT&T Stadium this weekend. According to the geniuses at the Lubbock Economic Development Alliance (LEDA), we are officially “sold out,” which is a terrifying phrase usually reserved for concert tickets but, in this case, applies to our entire infrastructure. The economic impact is projected to hit $3.7 million in lodging alone—surpassing College GameDay and making our total revenue from July 2011 look like pocket change.
Apparently, people are so desperate to hear “Amarillo by Morning” that they’ve booked every hotel room as far away as Levelland, Plainview, and Seminole. Imagine driving 45 minutes through a West Texas dust storm just to sleep in a Seminole motel because Lubbock ran out of space; that’s the kind of dedication only a 71-year-old in a starched button-down can inspire. The Pioneer Pocket Hotel was fully booked within an hour of the announcement, leaving hotel staff with the “logistical challenge” of scrubbing the smell of beer and desperation out of rooms fast enough to cycle through the Friday and Saturday crowds.
The local restaurant scene is also preparing for the apocalypse. The owner of Lantern Tavern has revealed his sophisticated high-level business strategy for the influx of visitors: ordering a mountain of Coors Light. Because nothing says “top-tier cultural destination” like a lukewarm silver bullet and a Friday afternoon hangover. Over at Las Brisas, they’ve got 1,200 reservations and a dream that these out-of-towners will actually want to come back to Lubbock once the music stops. It’s a bold strategy, but we’ll see if “West Texas hospitality” can overcome the reality of our pothole-ridden streets and the occasional “scent of money” blowing in from the local feedlots.
The city claims this $3.7 million windfall will fund “downtown parks” and “new ideas,” which is government-speak for “more decorative concrete that nobody asked for.” While the officials are busy dreaming of park benches, the rest of us will be busy navigating a stadium crowd that is expected to be four times larger than the last time George graced us with his presence. It’s a beautiful, chaotic mess that proves Lubbock can handle anything, as long as it involves a cowboy hat and a massive influx of cash that will inevitably be spent on another empty downtown parking garage.
If the King of Country can actually make thousands of people voluntarily book a weekend stay in Seminole, Texas, does that technically make him a miracle worker, or just the world’s most effective travel agent for places God forgot?
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