Only in the Hub City would a cry for help turn into a permanent change of address before the 10 o’clock news. Around 8:30 Monday night, Lubbock’s finest responded to a call about a “suicidal subject” at the City of Lubbock Cemetery. You have to hand it to the individual—they really nailed the location scouting for their own tragedy. It’s proactive, really.
But don’t worry, the LPD arrived on the scene to ensure everything went according to… well, something. An “officer-involved shooting” occurred, which is the polite, bureaucratic way of saying the police helped the person reach their final goal with some taxpayer-funded ballistic assistance. It’s the ultimate display of Lubbock efficiency: why bother with a pesky ambulance ride or a crowded psych ward when you’re already standing in the one place you never have to leave?
Now, the Lubbock Metropolitan Crimes Unit and the Office of Professional Standards are swarming East Lubbock, presumably to double-check that the paperwork matches the body count. It’s comforting to know that while this city can’t seem to fix a pothole on 34th Street to save its life, they can certainly expedite a funeral arrangement when the situation calls for it.
At what point do we just start listing the LPD as a “concierge burial service” on the city’s official website?
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