In today’s episode of Lubbock: The City Where Love is Definitely a Contact Sport, we have the heartwarming tale of 52-year-old Aleshia Banks. According to police reports, what started as a standard bedroom argument quickly escalated into a full-blown Olympic wrestling match. Why just use your words when you can use your hands, feet, and whatever else happens to be within arms’ reach?
The real innovation here, according to the affidavit, was Banks’ tactical genius. While struggling with the victim over a firearm, she realized she needed a distraction. So, in a move that would make a seasoned UFC fighter blush, she reached out and grabbed the victim’s testicles. It turns out that a firm grip on the “family jewels” is a highly effective way to win a weapons struggle. It’s the kind of West Texas multitasking we’ve come to expect: why just threaten someone with a gun when you can also provide an unwanted, high-speed vasectomy?
The victim, likely reconsidering every life choice that led to this moment, managed to drop the magazine from the gun while presumably seeing stars. He tried to leave the house to “de-escalate,” which is Lubbock-speak for “trying to outrun a woman who clearly has a black belt in Nut-Cracker-Jitsu.” Banks apparently wasn’t ready for the party to end, though, and held him back until the police arrived to award her a $50,000 bond and a cozy room at the Lubbock County Detention Center.
With a $50,000 price tag on her freedom, one has to wonder if the argument was actually about who forgot to pick up the Allsup’s burritos, or if she was just practicing for the world’s most aggressive CrossFit class.
