In a city where the most exciting thing to do is usually watching a tumbleweed race a plastic bag across 19th Street, Charles Deeundray Green decided to spice things up by turning “toxic ex” into a competitive sport. Apparently, nothing says “I’m not over you” quite like hiding in the shadows of an apartment complex to drag your ex-girlfriend down the stairs by her hair. Classy, Charles. Real Lubbock charm.
But why stop at a casual assault in July when you can upgrade to breaking and entering in September? Our protagonist reportedly leveled up his commitment issues by shimming a crowbar into his ex’s door, presumably because he forgot how to knock or just really missed her phone. He then proceeded to play Whac-A-Mole with the new boyfriend’s head using the aforementioned crowbar. The new guy apparently fled the scene so fast the victim couldn’t find him—which, honestly, is the only sensible reaction to a crowbar-wielding maniac in this town.
After nearly five months of what we can only assume was a very relaxed game of hide-and-seek with the Lubbock Police Department, Green was finally booked on Monday. He managed to rack up a “greatest hits” list of charges: Burglary, Aggravated Assault with a Deadly Weapon, Domestic Violence, and—because we live in a parody—No Liability Insurance. Because sure, beating people with heavy metal tools is bad, but driving without coverage? That’s where the Hub City really draws the line.
The best part? After being arrested on February 2nd for his six-month reign of terror, he was back on the streets by February 4th. A $35,000 bond is all it takes to trade a orange jumpsuit for freedom. So, if you’re planning on dating in the 806 tonight, you might want to bring a helmet. Or at least check behind your door for anyone carrying home improvement tools.
Is it really a Lubbock romance if it doesn’t end with wet blood on the walkway and a “No Liability Insurance” citation?