Welcome back to another depressing episode of “Rules for Thee but Not for Me,” West Texas edition. Today’s holy contestant is Brian Townsend, a 48-year-old former preacher who apparently thought his pastoral duties at New Deal First Baptist Church and the beautifully ironic “Come As You Are Fellowship” included things that are highly illegal. Townsend was finally rounded up by U.S. Marshals on Woodrow Road, because nothing screams “pillar of the community” quite like needing the federal government to drag you into custody.
According to court documents that will surprise absolutely no one who has been paying attention to the southern religious landscape, the charges stem from incidents that went down between January 2019 and January 2020. While Townsend was busy leading Sunday prayers and lecturing folks on morality, authorities say he was inappropriately touching an eight or nine-year-old child during what was supposed to be harmless couch cuddling. Because nothing says “West Texas family values” quite like violating the absolute basic tenets of human decency while drawing a paycheck from a church.
The Lubbock County Sheriff’s Department put out a warrant for him back in May, but it took a month and a half for the Marshals to finally track him down. Now, Townsend is settling into his brand-new fellowship hall over at the Lubbock County Detention Center, where his bond is set at a cool $150,000.
But hey, look on the bright side—at least he finally found a captive audience that has to listen to him, even if his new congregation is just a bunch of guys sharing a cell block and wearing matching orange jumpsuits. Who knew the “New Deal” would turn out to be the exact same raw deal we’ve come to expect around here?
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