Our neighbors in Shallowater just got some glowing news from the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality. It turns out the local tap water has officially surpassed the EPA’s “try not to grow a third arm” limit for combined uranium. While the feds suggest 30 micrograms per liter is the maximum acceptable amount for human survival, Shallowater is overachieving with a solid 36.
For those of you who enjoy luxuries like “functioning kidneys” or “not having cancer,” the EPA has a few concerns. Apparently, drinking this spicy cocktail over a long period can lead to kidney toxicity. But don’t panic—the city is quick to point out that this isn’t an “emergency.” It’s just… uranium. In your coffee. In your toddler’s bathwater. It’s fine. Everything is fine.
Naturally, the city’s official stance is “Keep Calm and Drink Up.” They’ve assured residents that there is absolutely no need to switch to an alternative water supply, though they do helpfully suggest you consult a doctor if you have “health concerns.” Because nothing inspires confidence quite like a city official telling you to check with a medical professional to see if their utility service is slowly poisoning you.
The current plan to fix the situation involves checking the water plant’s calibrations and replacing a “blend pump” that might be malfunctioning. So, either the equipment is broken, or Shallowater is just trying to get a head start on creating a local roster of DIY X-Men. Either way, at least the residents won’t need to turn the lights on to find the bathroom in the middle of the night.
If you start seeing a soft green aura reflecting off your glass of water tonight, just remember: the city says it’s not an emergency, and when has a local government ever been wrong about public safety?
https://www.kcbd.com/2026/04/02/city-shallowater-notified-elevated-levels-uranium-drinking-water/
