In a move that surprised absolutely no one who has ever seen a “Drill, Baby, Drill” bumper sticker in a United Supermarkets parking lot, the Trump Administration has officially stripped the Lesser Prairie Chicken of its endangered species protections. After thirty years of lawsuits and red tape that apparently moved slower than a tractor on 19th Street, the bird is being kicked off the federal VIP list to make room for more oil rigs and ranching.
The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, now taking marching orders from the “Unleashing American Energy” playbook, decided those 2022 protections were just a “serious defect.” Translation: the birds were getting in the way of the Permian Basin’s bottom line. Apparently, the government finally realized that a bird known for its flamboyant mating dances is no match for the economic majesty of a pumpjack.
This isn’t the only local nature win for the industrial-complex enthusiasts. The Muleshoe National Wildlife Refuge—Texas’ oldest animal sanctuary—just had its massive expansion plans trashed like a Friday night Taco Villa bag. The plan to grow the refuge by 700,000 acres was scrapped faster than a New Year’s resolution, with local politicians calling it a “federal land grab” and a “stealth attempt” to create a government stronghold. Because nothing says “tyranny” like a bunch of sandhill cranes hanging out in a field.
While activists warn that the Lesser Prairie Chicken might actually go extinct without these safeguards, our local leaders are busy popping champagne. They’ve successfully “defended our way of life” from the existential threat of a crow-sized bird that likes to stomp its feet. Now, landowners can develop their property without worrying about pesky things like “ecosystems” or “biological diversity.”
If the Prairie Chicken does go extinct, can we at least get a commemorative statue of one outside a Buddy Holly-themed gas station?