Our potential future Attorneys General, Chip Roy and Mayes Middleton, recently held a “Who Can Be More Like Ken Paxton” contest in Tyler. Apparently, they’re bored with just suing the feds a hundred times a year and have decided to start a legal garage sale where they try to toss out every Supreme Court ruling from the last fifty years. Because why settle for current chaos when you can dig up decades-old settled law and set it on fire?
The big prize on their hit list is Plyler v. Doe, that pesky 1982 ruling that says Texas actually has to educate children regardless of their immigration status. Because nothing says “Texas Values” like making sure kids stay uneducated and wander the streets instead of sitting in a classroom learning how to read. Chip Roy called overturning this one of his “foremost priorities,” which is a fun way of saying he’s really passionate about making sure the state saves a buck by bullying second-graders.
Not to be outdone, Mayes Middleton is gunning for the “false doctrine” of the separation of church and state. He’s already trying to shove the Ten Commandments into every classroom, because if there’s one thing a Lubbock middle schooler needs to prevent them from vaping in the bathroom, it’s a bronze plaque telling them not to covet their neighbor’s ox. He’s on a mission to defeat “atheist precedents,” which is a bold strategy for a guy who lives in a state where you can’t throw a rock without hitting a steeple.
Legal experts are calling this “Texas-sized hubris,” but around here, we just call it “Tuesday.” Roy also wants to take down gay marriage and a Great Depression-era commerce law, because he’s apparently in a “war raging against our souls.” Honestly, between the haboobs and the potholes on 19th Street, our souls are already pretty tired; we don’t need a taxpayer-funded legal crusade to finish the job.
I guess when you’ve already sued the President into oblivion, the only thing left to do is sue the concept of the 21st century itself, right?
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