In a move that surprises absolutely no one who has ever spent ten minutes in a Lubbock Stripes, the race for Texas’s top accountant has devolved into a high-stakes game of “Who Hates Woke More?” Forget about balancing the $100+ billion state budget or accurately predicting revenue so our schools don’t crumble into the West Texas caliche. The three GOP frontrunners—Don Huffines, Christi Craddick, and Kelly Hancock—are too busy “holding the line” against things that have precisely zero to do with spreadsheets.
According to the Texas Tribune, these candidates are campaigning like they’re auditioning for a spot on a paramilitary talk show rather than running for an office that literally writes checks. We’ve got Craddick vowing to keep boys out of girls’ sports (because nothing says “fiscal responsibility” like checking birth certificates at a track meet) and Huffines promising to exorcise the demon of “woke DEI” from the state’s general ledger. Meanwhile, Acting Comptroller Kelly Hancock is flexing about removing women and minorities from business programs, proving that in Texas, “efficiency” is just a synonym for “exclusion.”
The irony, of course, is that the Comptroller’s office has about as much power to deport immigrants or ban gender theory as a Lubbock City Council member has to fix a pothole on 34th Street—which is to say, none. The Legislature stripped the office of its “performance review” powers back in 2003 after the previous occupant got too spicy with Rick Perry. Now, the job is mostly about collecting taxes and making sure the state doesn’t bounce a check, but apparently, you can’t win a primary in this state unless you promise to use your calculator to fight Sharia Law.
Is it really a Texas election if the person in charge of our money isn’t more interested in your kid’s locker room than your tax return?