Lubbock’s favorite son and current House Speaker, Dustin Burrows, has released his “interim charges” for 2027, and it’s exactly the kind of ambitious, slightly unhinged wishlist you’d expect from someone who spent too much time staring at the horizon on I-27. Topping the list is a plan to study the “secession” of New Mexico counties so they can join Texas. Apparently, Burrows looked at the current state of Texas and thought, “You know what’s missing? More desert, more poverty, and even more people who think green chiles are a personality trait.” It’s a classic move to appease the “Texit” crowd without actually having to leave the Union—we’ll just slowly consume our neighbors like a legalistic amoeba.
When he isn’t busy drawing up invasion plans for Hobbs and Clovis, Burrows is making sure Texas becomes the global capital of data centers. These giant, windowless boxes are famous for sucking up massive amounts of electricity and water—two things Texas is famously great at managing during a mild breeze or a summer afternoon. He’s asked committees to “optimize” water usage for these tech monoliths, which is a fancy way of saying we’re going to let servers stay cool while the rest of us in West Texas continue to pray the Ogallala Aquifer doesn’t finally give up the ghost.
To round out the “Stay Scared, Stay Republican” bingo card, Burrows is also sending lawmakers on a hunt for Sharia Law “permeating” the Texas judicial system. It’s a bold strategy to protect us from a phantom menace while ignoring the very real menace of our property tax bills, which he promises to lower (again) by shifting money around like a high-stakes game of Three-card Monte. Between chasing foreign ghosts and eyeing New Mexico’s territory, it’s clear the Speaker has his priorities straight: solving every problem except the ones we actually have.
Does Dustin really think Lubbock can handle the administrative burden of New Mexico when we can’t even figure out how to sync the traffic lights on 19th Street?
