It takes a special kind of comedic timing to look completely foolish on a federal stage, but USDA Secretary Brooke Rollins managed it beautifully. On a Tuesday, Rollins condescendingly patted a Texas state representative on the head for “causing panic” after he claimed that flesh-eating New World screwworms were just a mile from the border. Rollins assured everyone that the horrifying, living-flesh-burrowing parasites were actually a very safe 25 miles away. By Wednesday morning—less than 24 hours later—the USDA had to awkwardly clear its throat and announce the first official screwworm case right here in Texas. It turns out the flies didn’t read the federal map and failed to respect the 24-mile buffer zone.
Naturally, our glorious state leaders responded to the outbreak with the exact kind of theatrical panic we’ve come to love. Governor Greg Abbott immediately declared a “War on Screwworm” and activated a 24/7 emergency command center. Because nothing stops a swarm of invasive, wound-burrowing maggots quite like round-the-clock state paperwork and a bunch of Aggies monitoring a hotline. Meanwhile, Rollins and Texas Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller engaged in a stellar public slap-fight. Miller demanded the government drop toxic, potentially carcinogenic pesticide pellets across the state, prompting Rollins to publicly mock him as an “unserious AG commissioner who only has a few months left.” It’s deeply comforting to know that while a multi-billion-dollar livestock industry faces a parasitic apocalypse, the people in charge are focused on the real crisis: petty political name-calling.
If you think this is just a South Texas problem, congratulations on your optimism, but the maggots are already moving north. Within days of the first calf testing positive, the case count jumped to five, spanning goats, cattle, and a dog that rolled into an Andrews County veterinary clinic before being reclassified to New Mexico. Yes, the flesh-eating parasites are officially in our West Texas backyard. To make the situation even more poetically Texan, the congressional district where the outbreak started has exactly zero representation in Washington right now, because the previous congressman resigned in April over a sex scandal, and Abbott is taking his sweet time scheduling an election to replace him.
But hey, look on the bright side: at least the maggots have a clear operational strategy, a unified purpose, and a strong work ethic—which is a hell of a lot more than we can say for anyone currently governing this state.
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