Just when you thought living in West Texas couldn’t get any more dystopian—what with the record-shattering droughts, historic wildfires wiping out 15,000 head of cattle, and inflation making your grocery bill look like a car payment—enter the New World screwworm. Yes, actual flesh-eating maggots that liquefy livestock from the inside out in 72 hours are making a comeback. Because apparently, the universe decided that a 70-year low in the U.S. cattle herd wasn’t quite miserable enough.
The government’s grand solution to this body-horror parasite? A sterile fly facility that won’t even be finished until November 2027. In the meantime, local ranchers are playing defense by meticulously checking their herds and literally postponing basic chores like branding and castration until the winter freeze. Because nothing says “booming agricultural economy” like having to reschedule a cow’s vasectomy so a swarm of apocalyptic flies won’t eat it alive.
Naturally, this trainwreck at the top of the supply chain means everyone is losing money. Meatpackers are operating at a loss despite live steer prices skyrocketing 50% to $2.55 a pound, and plants are shutting down from Nebraska to Pennsylvania. But don’t worry, politicians are on the case: Donald Trump and Ken Paxton have launched antitrust investigations into the “Big Four” meatpackers. Because why blame a terrible mix of severe drought, international tariff wars, and literal parasites when you can just stage a politically convenient corporate witch hunt?
At the end of this miserable food chain is your wallet. Barbecue joints are currently weeping into their smokers because cooking Texas brisket has officially become a non-profit charity event. Slabs of raw beef are treated like solid gold, a half-pound of sliced brisket will run you $16 (up $5 from last year), and restaurant margins have shriveled to a pathetic 2%. Owners are desperately trying to stay afloat by hoping you’ll buy enough potato salad and smoked turkey to offset the cost of the beef.
But hey, look on the bright side: when you’re shelling out half your paycheck for a mediocre dinner next month, you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that you’re at least beating the maggots to it. Who needs an affordable cost of living when you have pure Texas pride and a 12.9% spike in beef prices?
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