Keith Kalka, a 59-year-old who is currently sporting the most enthusiastic mugshot in the history of the Lubbock County Jail, finally pleaded guilty this week for his January 2024 performance art piece. In a move that truly captures the intellectual spirit of the South Plains, Keith decided the best way to achieve “fame” was to snag a marked Lubbock Police Department cruiser while the officer was busy inside the Food King on 26th Street.
The police report notes that the officer on the scene actually yelled at Keith “not to steal the vehicle” as he was getting in. Unsurprisingly, a man in the middle of committing a federal felony didn’t find that polite verbal request particularly persuasive. Keith then spent his afternoon playing with the police radio to evade capture, taking a scenic tour through the Texas Tech campus and even Jones AT&T Stadium—because if you’re going to steal a car, you might as well check out the stadium renovations.
Because stealing a government vehicle wasn’t enough for his “fame” quota, Keith decided to play-act a kidnapping. He pulled over a Texas Tech student, told her she was under arrest—which is a terrifyingly believable Lubbock experience—and drove her to a convenience store on the Marsha Sharp Freeway. Our hero was eventually intercepted near University Avenue, proving that while you can outrun a shouting officer, you can’t really outrun the fact that you’re driving a giant, flashing “arrest me” sign.
Keith is now looking at up to 20 years in federal prison to reflect on his short-lived career in law enforcement. It’s a steep price to pay for a joyride, but hey, he did say he wanted to be famous.
At least he finally got the spotlight he wanted, even if the only “fan” waiting for him at the end of the ride was a federal judge.
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