Chief Seth Herman has officially released the Lubbock Police Department’s 2025 annual report, and the news is exactly what you’d expect from the Hub City. Apparently, our local youth have traded in 4-H projects and TikTok dances for “prolific” gang violence. According to Herman, juvenile crime is skyrocketing because kids these days just don’t understand “right from wrong.” It’s a real mystery how a town with more churches than functional traffic lights failed to mention that “murder” is generally a no-no, but here we are.
The best part? These pint-sized outlaws aren’t exactly using “Ocean’s Eleven” tactics to arm themselves. Herman clarified that it isn’t “ninjas” or “satellite tools” breaking into vehicles. It’s just bored teenagers walking through your neighborhood, clicking door handles like they’re checking for loose change. And because this is Lubbock—where “personal responsibility” is a slogan we put on bumper stickers but rarely practice—they’re finding loaded handguns in unlocked trucks parked in driveways. We’ve essentially turned our residential streets into a “Take a Gun, Leave a Gun” program for delinquents.
But don’t worry, your stolen Glock isn’t just staying in the neighborhood to haunt your local 7-Eleven. Herman noted that Lubbock’s neglected firearms are going on a world tour, ending up at murder scenes in Chicago and New York, or even arming cartels in Mexico. Congratulations, Lubbock! We’ve officially transitioned from being the birthplace of Buddy Holly to being the primary logistics provider for international organized crime, all because you couldn’t be bothered to push the “lock” button on your key fob after a trip to H-E-B.
The Chief’s groundbreaking advice for 2026 is to actually keep your gun in a secure container or, heaven forbid, on your person. He’s hoping we can start teaching kids about “consequences,” which is a bold strategy in a city where the biggest consequence for most things is usually just a lukewarm prayer and a “bless your heart.”
After all, why invest in a gun safe when you can just turn your driveway into a free-entry arms bazaar for the local middle schoolers?
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