According to the Lubbock Police Department’s 2025 annual report, our fair city is officially becoming a utopia. Chief Seth Herman announced that “Part 1” crimes—the fun ones like murder, robbery, and motor vehicle theft—have dropped by 12%. Apparently, the force has been “beating the bushes” looking for bad guys, which is a lovely, rustic image for a city that mostly consists of concrete strip malls and blowing tumbleweeds.
Even the demolition derby we call “driving in Lubbock” is supposedly getting safer. LPD claims there were 1,000 fewer crashes last year. They’ve also solved a cold case from 2009, proving that if you wait sixteen years, justice—or at least a press release—eventually arrives. To celebrate this era of unprecedented peace, the department is buying a fleet of solid black Tahoes because they have better “resale value.” It’s nice to know that while our taxes go up, the LPD is focused on their secondary career as a boutique used-car dealership.
Despite these “across the board” improvements and a 98% staffing rate, the Chief is still insistent that he needs more boots on the ground. He wants to swell the ranks to over 500 officers to protect the “good people from the bad people,” a nuance-free worldview that fits perfectly in a town that still treats Walker, Texas Ranger like a documentary.
Of course, the timing of this self-congratulatory victory lap is impeccable. As the Texas DPS “Operation Tejas” swarms our streets to actually pull people over for doing 75 in a school zone, the LPD is puffing its chest out about how great things are. It’s a lot easier to report a decrease in crime when the State Troopers are doing the heavy lifting of reminding Lubbockites that stop signs aren’t merely suggestions.
If the crime rate keeps dropping by 12% every year while we keep hiring more cops, are we eventually going to have an officer assigned to personally tuck every “good person” in Lubbock into bed at night?
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