The Texas State Board of Education just gave preliminary approval to a brand-new curriculum guaranteed to make our public schools the laughingstock of the modern world. Under the guise of “social studies and reading,” the board is pushing a new list that mandates Bible stories for children as young as six. Because nothing says “ready for the global economy” like a first-grader who can’t do basic subtraction but can give you a thorough breakdown of the Parable of the Prodigal Son.
Meanwhile, the social studies department is getting a complete lobotomy. The board is wiping out the sixth-grade world cultures course, de-emphasizing any history that didn’t happen in Europe or Texas, and completely erasing the requirement for sociology students to understand “the impact of race and ethnicity on society.” They also managed to scrub any mention of Muslim contributions to algebra and astronomy, following testimony from State Senator Bob Hall, who confidently declared Islam “is not a religion” before admitting he has never actually set foot in a Muslim-majority country. Who needs global awareness when you have blissful, state-mandated ignorance?
But the real comedic gold is in the historical rewrites. The new standards describe the forced relocation and imprisonment of Japanese-American families during World War II as a “contribution” to the military effort. Even better, the high school curriculum explicitly lists the Civil Rights leaders students need to know—including Thurgood Marshall and Barbara Jordan—but manages to leave out a minor historical figure named Martin Luther King Jr. To be fair, the nine-panel advisory board responsible for this masterpiece has almost zero K-12 classroom experience, but they do have stellar credentials in conservative activism, which we all know is exactly what qualifies you to write a history textbook.
After all, why waste time teaching Texas children how to think critically when you can just force them to memorize a heavily sanitized alternate reality where math was invented entirely by Europeans, MLK never gave a speech, and getting locked in an internment camp was just a fun way to support the troops?
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