Down here in West Texas, we’re used to things being completely backward, but the absolute geniuses running this state have officially exported our signature brand of logic to the rest of Texas. Take the case of Lynn Callaway, an Austin-area woman who had the audacity to expect actual medical treatment while experiencing a agonizing, infected miscarriage. Instead, thanks to Texas’ completely foolproof abortion laws, she got to spend four days bleeding on the floor while two different emergency rooms essentially told her to go home, take some over-the-counter Tylenol, and try not to die.
This medical masterclass happened after Governor Greg Abbott signed the “Life of the Mother Act,” which was totally supposed to give doctors “clinical clarity.” Instead, doctors are still so terrified of facing life in prison or losing their licenses that they are playing hot potato with patients. The Texas Medical Board literally had to release a PowerPoint presentation in early 2026 explicitly explaining to fully grown, highly educated medical professionals that managing a first-trimester miscarriage is not a crime. Yet, Callaway’s ER doctor still insisted they had to be “damned sure” it was an actual miscarriage before helping, proving that a Texas medical degree is currently worth about as much as a screen door on a submarine.
Meanwhile, our favorite litigation-happy Attorney General, Ken Paxton, has been fighting the good fight to ensure federal emergency room mandates don’t “transform emergency rooms into walk-in abortion clinics.” Because nothing says “pro-life” like delaying federal investigations into substandard care while women talk to their husbands about how to access their life insurance policies. Callaway eventually got her retained fetal tissue properly cleared out—not by Texas’ “world-class” medical system, but by a rural hospital in Portugal, where she discovered that “common sense” is apparently a standard medical procedure overseas.
But hey, look on the bright side: if you’re planning on expanding your family in Texas, just make sure your health insurance covers emergency flights to Europe, because around here, the state will check your uterus for criminal activity long before a doctor checks it for a life-threatening infection.
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