Ken Paxton absolutely demolished establishment favorite John Cornyn by nearly 30 percentage points in the Republican primary runoff, proving once again that Texas primary voters love a rebel—especially one with a rap sheet. This is the exact same Ken Paxton that the National Republican Senatorial Committee (NRSC) spent millions of dollars bashing as “corrupt,” “incompetent,” and “repulsive” over the last few months. But because Washington Republicans love keeping a Senate majority way more than they care about their own dignity, the NRSC immediately scrambled to delete all their anti-Paxton internet history the second the race was called. Nothing says rock-solid conservative values like a frantic, late-night digital vibe-check.
Now that the GOP establishment has been forced to grovel at Paxton’s feet, they have successfully united against the common enemy: Democratic nominee James Talarico. And how are they tackling this high-stakes ideological battle? Through sophisticated policy debates? Please, this is Texas. Paxton and Donald Trump are instead workshopping a stellar lineup of playground insults, dubbing the Democrat “Tofu Talarico,” “Six-Gender Jimmy,” and “James Tala-freak-o.” Trump even attacked Talarico for being a vegan who dislikes meat, forcing the Democrat to desperately defend his honor by posting campaign trail photos of himself aggressively chewing on a turkey leg. This is the peak political discourse we’ve achieved in 2026, folks.
“He is the most dangerous flank of the far left. Texas isn’t swapping brisket for open borders.” — Samantha Cantrell, NRSC regional press secretary, completely forgetting her boss called Paxton a liar last week.
Talarico is trying to frame the general election as “Faith vs. Fraud,” leaning heavily on his seminary background to highlight Paxton’s history of impeachment, felony fraud charges, and the $6.6 million in taxpayer money spent to settle with his own whistleblowers. Talarico is currently sitting on a mountain of cash—$49.3 million compared to Paxton’s relatively measly $16.3 million—which has Ted Cruz so panicked he’s already warning everyone this could be another terrifyingly close 2018 Beto O’Rourke situation. Political data gurus predict that moderate Cornyn voters will eventually “hold their nose and vote for Paxton” anyway, proving that a shared hatred of “woke gender ideology” can heal even the deepest of Republican fractures.
After all, why worry about a little casual political corruption or millions of wasted taxpayer dollars when there’s a guy who eats soy and thinks God might not be a man to defeat?
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