Lubbock’s Avenue Q remains the undisputed champion of “exactly what you expected to happen.” On Wednesday night, the Texas DPS and a SWAT team decided to check in at the Executive Inn—a name that, much like “Lubbock is a vacation destination,” is doing a lot of heavy lifting. It turns out the “executives” in question weren’t there for a corporate retreat; they were busy managing a diversified portfolio of meth, fentanyl, and poor life choices.
The real MVP of the raid was Markquis Tates, who was found lounging in bed next to a safe. In a stunning display of organizational skills that would make a Staples manager weep, the safe reportedly contained a handgun, blue fentanyl pills, and Tates’ own ID. Nothing says “I’m a professional” like keeping your incriminating evidence and your government-issued identification in the same convenient carrying case. It’s the criminal equivalent of labeling your lunch in the office fridge, if your lunch was a felony.
Not to be outdone in the “Lubbock DIY” department, Valerie Torres was busy in the bathroom attempting a high-stakes plumbing experiment. When officers entered, they found a plastic bag in the toilet with the water still running. It’s the classic move: because if there’s one thing a 1970s-era motel toilet is known for, it’s a powerful, reliable flush that definitely won’t clog and leave the evidence floating right where the SWAT team can see it.
Meanwhile, Joe Ramirez decided to add a little cardio to his evening by evading and resisting arrest. While his buddies were racking up drug charges, Joe went for the classic “run away” strategy, which works about as well in Lubbock as trying to find a tree on a sunny day. He’s currently sitting on a $4,001 bond, because apparently, that extra dollar is the precise price of Lubbock’s patience.
Is it really a Wednesday night in the Hub City if someone isn’t trying to flush their future down a low-flow toilet on Avenue Q?
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