Guess what, Lubbock? We’re finally popular! The Department of Homeland Security is sliding into our DMs—and by DMs, I mean administrative subpoenas. Apparently, the feds are convinced that the real threat to national security isn’t international cartels or cyber warfare, but whether or not Grandma actually signed her voter registration card in cursive.
Our very own Elections Administrator, Roxzine Stinson, got a courtesy call from a DHS suit who told her to expect a subpoena for records on anywhere from 10 to 30 lucky voters. That’s right, out of the hundreds of thousands of people in this county, the federal government is dedicating its vast, tax-funded resources to investigating a group of people roughly the size of a lunch rush at Taco Villa. Efficiency at its finest, folks.
This is all part of the Trump administration’s frantic quest to find the “noncitizen” boogeyman hiding in the Hub City. The state already handed over the voter rolls, including Social Security numbers and birthdays, but the feds realized they forgot to ask for the actual applications and signatures. Now they’re hitting up counties like Brazos and Montgomery with “open-ended” subpoenas that don’t even name names. It’s the federal version of “I’m thinking of a person who shouldn’t be voting,” and if they guess wrong, it’s just your civil liberties on the line. No biggie.
Of course, the database they’re using to flag these “potential noncitizens” has the accuracy of a West Texas weather forecast. Last time Texas tried this little stunt, they flagged nearly 3,000 people, only to realize—whoops!—most of them were actually citizens who had already provided proof. But hey, why let facts get in the way of a good old-fashioned bureaucratic witch hunt when you can just harass local election officials instead?
Isn’t it comforting to know that while our potholes are deep enough to swallow a Miata, the federal government is hard at work making sure your signature has the right slant?
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