After the historic 2025 West Texas measles outbreak—which managed to kill two school-age children and turn neighboring Gaines County into a literal viral epicenter—the state has released its vaccination data for the 2025-26 school year. The big news? Kindergarten measles vaccination rates in Texas skyrocketed by a breathtaking, monumental… 0.1%. Yes, we moved from 93.2% to 93.3%. Break out the sparkling cider, Lubbock, we officially solved science. Meanwhile, right here in the Hub City, our kindergarten vaccination rate changed by less than one percent, because why let a highly contagious, entirely preventable disease disrupt our local commitment to doing absolutely nothing?
But don’t panic, freedom lovers: Texas lawmakers made sure the real crisis was averted last year. Thanks to House Bill 1586, parents no longer have to endure the agonizing tyranny of waiting for a vaccine exemption form to arrive in the mail. Now, they can simply download it directly to their phones. Naturally, making it easier to opt out of public health caused a massive spike in “conscientious exemptions,” marking the largest single-year jump in over a decade. The statewide kindergarten exemption rate has officially doubled since the pandemic. It turns out that when you remove “government barriers” like basic paperwork, parents will happily line up to ensure herd immunity remains a distant, mythical concept.
Meanwhile, the next generation of scholars is heading to Texas Tech and other local colleges, prompting Lubbock pharmacists to practically beg incoming freshmen to get their mandatory meningitis boosters before packing into the dorms. Pharmacists are out here reminding everyone that bacterial meningitis carries a casual 10% to 15% fatality rate and can result in amputations, but apparently, the age-16 booster is routinely skipped because “life gets busy.” It’s comforting to know that while our local immunization rates for measles, polio, and whooping cough continue to tank, we are at least maintaining a consistent, community-wide dedication to procrastination.
If we can just get those downloadable polio exemptions up another point or two by next year, do you think Texas Tech will start offering vintage iron lungs as a retro dorm accessory, or will we have to buy those ourselves, too?
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