Because life in the Permian Basin clearly wasn’t thrilling enough, 45-year-old Michael Marx of Midland decided to export some classic West Texas “charm” straight to the nation’s capital. On Monday afternoon, Marx found himself near the National Mall, right along the route of Vice President JD Vance’s motorcade. Instead of doing normal tourist things like buying an overpriced monument keychain, Marx—a convicted felon—allegedly decided to stroll around the heart of the federal government with an illegal Sig Sauer 9mm handgun tucked into his waistband.
Pro tip for anyone planning to leave the bubble of West Texas: plainclothes Secret Service agents can actually spot a gun printing through a shirt. When uniformed officers approached Marx to have a polite chat about his wardrobe choices, he did what any rational criminal would do—he bolted down Independence Avenue. While sprinting through a crowded crosswalk, Marx pulled the gun and fired at a pursuing officer. Naturally, possessing the kind of precision marksmanship we’ve come to expect from local geniuses, he missed the cop entirely and shot an innocent bystander in the leg instead.
The Secret Service, who actually practice at the gun range, returned fire and promptly hit Marx in the hand, arm, and stomach. As emergency crews loaded him into an ambulance, Marx reportedly screamed, “F— the White House!” and “Kill me, kill me, kill me,” proving that West Texas poetry is truly alive and well. He is now facing a buffet of federal charges, including assaulting federal officers with a dangerous weapon, which carries a much longer prison sentence than just staying home and complaining about the dust in Midland.
Honestly, you have to admire the sheer, unadulterated confidence it takes to think you can win a sidewalk shootout against the Vice President’s security detail with a subcompact pistol, but hey, if he wanted to get out of West Texas that badly, there were definitely cheaper ways to book a trip.
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