Just when you thought the most stressful part of a trip to United was dodging a frantic suburban mom in a Tahoe, Lubbock County has officially upped the stakes. Apparently, our state-of-the-art ballot marking devices have decided to enter a collective coma at thirteen different locations across the county. Whether you’re trying to do your civic duty at the Parkway United or the 130th and Indiana Market Street, your right to vote has been replaced by “emergency procedures”—which is government-speak for “we didn’t think this through, so please hold this scrap of paper and try not to cry.”
If you’re lucky enough to be at one of the locations where the machines haven’t completely flatlined yet, like the 98th and Quaker Market Street, you just get to enjoy “longer wait times.” It’s the quintessential Lubbock experience: standing in a line that moves slower than traffic on 19th Street during a dust storm, all while the Elections Office pinky-promises they’re working with the “vendor” to fix the mess. Given our city’s track record with tech, that vendor is probably just a guy named Daryl with a can of compressed air and a dream.
Meanwhile, reports are trickling in that polling places are actually turning people away because the “emergency” is apparently too much for the staff to handle. And in true local fashion, the news coverage has been about as clear as the water in Buffalo Springs Lake. We’re told there are “procedures,” but no one can explain what they are. Are we using an abacus? Rock-paper-scissors? Writing our choices in BBQ sauce on the back of a United Rewards receipt? The mystery is part of the charm, I suppose.
But don’t worry, the County has the perfect solution for the stress of a collapsing democratic process: they’re just going to stop doing it entirely. All polling places are closed tomorrow for San Jacinto Day. Because nothing honors the brave souls who fought for Texas independence quite like taking a paid holiday right in the middle of a localized bureaucratic meltdown.
At this point, would it be more efficient to just scream your vote into a 50-mph headwind and hope it eventually lands in Austin?
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