It’s early June, which means Lubbock has received its annual allotment of atmospheric moisture—a whopping 1.72 inches for the week, pushing our monumental year-to-date total to a staggering 5.64 inches. And, right on cue, because the sight of liquid falling from the sky completely short-circuits the collective local driving psychology, someone immediately tried to use their commuter vehicle as a jet ski.
According to the overqualified heroes at Lubbock Fire Rescue and the Lubbock Police Department, an adventurous motorist rolled up to the 300 block of Cesar E. Chavez Drive on Monday night and stared down a raging, storm-induced stream. Rather than practicing the basic human survival instinct summarized by the city’s favorite ignored slogan, “Turn Around, Don’t Drown,” our local explorer decided to see if their vehicle could successfully ford the West Texas Nile. It could not. The vehicle was promptly swept away by the rising floodwaters.
Miraculously, the driver managed to abandon the sinking ship and scramble to safety without any injuries, leaving behind nothing but a waterlogged cabin and a deeply bruised ego. But because we live in a flat, dusty semi-arid desert that somehow requires an elite maritime salvage unit the second it drizzles, the Lubbock Fire Rescue Dive Team had to be deployed into the pitch black just to hook a winch onto a submerged car and drag it out of the municipal swamp.
Honestly, why do we even bother spending tax dollars maintenance-testing flash flood road signs when we could just reallocate the budget toward buying every licensed driver in Lubbock a complimentary pair of water wings?
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