Our favorite cowboy-cosplaying Agriculture Commissioner, Sid Miller, has officially entered “The Sky is Falling” mode, and for once, it’s not about his travel expenses. This time, he’s sounding the alarm over the New World screwworm, which was just spotted in Nuevo León, Mexico—a mere 90 miles from the Texas border. That’s basically a short commute for a fly with a taste for living tissue, and Miller wants us all to know that “this is not a drill.”
According to the Commissioner, the USDA’s attempts to contain these little nightmares have been about as effective as a screen door on a submarine. The screwworm is a biological horror show that lays eggs in the open wounds of livestock, leading to larvae that literally eat the animal from the inside out. Miller is demanding that Texas producers go on “high alert,” which is government-speak for “grab a magnifying glass and start sniffing your cows.”
If you’re wondering what to look for on your next romantic weekend at the ranch, the list is delightful: visible maggots in ears, “watery discharge” that smells like rotting meat, and animals that look “depressed” or “irritable.” Honestly, that sounds like a standard Tuesday morning at the Lubbock DMV, but apparently, in a cow, it’s a sign of a national crisis that could devastate the cattle industry and your future brisket supply.
Miller is insisting that early detection is the only thing standing between us and a “full-blown crisis.” He’s calling for total “accountability” and immediate action, because nothing says “I’m a proactive leader” like recording a dire warning about flesh-eating parasites while sitting in the passenger seat of a sedan wearing a ten-gallon hat.
In a city that already smells like manure and broken dreams six days a week, how are we even supposed to notice when the “odor of decay” finally crosses the border?
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