In a shocking development that will surprise absolutely no one in Lubbock who has tried to get a constituent request answered this decade, Senator Ted Cruz has been found alive and well. Unfortunately for us, he wasn’t spotted anywhere near the South Plains or even the Texas border he loves to talk about. Instead, our junior senator was seen wandering around Clive, Iowa, sniffing the air for the faint scent of 2028 caucus ballots and fried butter.
Ten years after his 2016 Iowa victory, Cruz returned to the Hawkeye State to tell a crowd of conservative Christians that the Republican Party is “winning historic victories” under the second Trump administration. He took credit for everything from low border crossings to the recent federal ban on mailing abortion pills, because apparently, when you’re a third-term senator with a popular podcast, every day is a victory lap if you’re standing far enough away from your actual office in D.C.
Cruz also used his stage time to perform some high-level political parkour, calling out former allies Tucker Carlson and Marjorie Taylor Greene for losing their “ever-loving minds” over antisemitism. It’s a bold move for a man who has spent the last decade trying to be the most “Tea Party” person in any given room, but I guess when you’re eyeing a promotion to the White House, you have to start acting like the adult in the room—even if the room is 800 miles away from the people who actually vote for you.
Between chairing the Senate Commerce Committee and recording his “most popular podcast among politicians” (a category with all the prestige of “most tolerable brand of gas station sushi”), Ted is clearly keeping his schedule packed. He’s already being mentioned alongside JD Vance and Marco Rubio for the 2028 ticket, which explains why he’s hitting the early primary states now. Why wait for 2027 to ignore your constituents when you can start the “Anyone But Texas” tour today?
If you see Ted at the Lubbock “International” Airport, please give him a map to the Capitol building; he seems to think the shortest route from Austin to Washington goes directly through a Des Moines Baptist church.
Is it really a “representation” if the person representing you spends more time in Iowa than you spend waiting in the drive-thru line at a Chick-Fil-A?
Source:
